Sample Sales Letter Makeover
"After" Version

Review the "before" version of this sample revision of a sales letter to business brokers. 

Here now are my comments on what the letter needed to get a better response.

Tone: The original version uses the stuffy, impersonal tone of most business letters. My rewrite, below, uses friendlier language to make better contact with the reader.

"You"-ness: You get a better response when you use the word "you" more than "I" or "we." Remember that your market is always reading a letter like this thinking, "So what? What's in this for me?" Address those concerns and you're always closer to a sale.

Benefits: It's essential here to spell out fully and persuasively all of the benefits for brokers and their clients available to brokers whose clients create or hold business notes. Note that the headline before the salutation in the rewrite below highlights the benefits a broker receives (referral fees and larger commissions) from working with Poser. These benefits also get stressed in the body of the letter.

Enclosure: The letter needs to motivate the person reading the letter to read the enclosed booklet, which hammers home in more detail the benefits of working with Poser and how the process of selling business notes works for participating brokers.

Structure: Besides the added headline, the new version adds a P.S., which you should always use to drive home the benefits of the product or service at hand, or provide an extra incentive for acting now. The P.S. is always the second most read section of any letter (the headline or opener is the first).

Now here is my revised version of the letter.

The "After" Version

Poser Investments, Inc.
150 N. Santa Anita Ave., Suite 300
Arcadia, CA 91006
626-445-3408
800-333-1526
FAX 626-445-2029

[date]

[broker]
[company]
[address]
[city/state/zip]

REFERRAL FEES FROM US, LARGER COMMISSIONS FROM YOUR CLIENTS - JUST FROM INFORMING THEM HOW THEY CAN "CASH IN" ON THE BUSINESS YOU'RE HELPING THEM TO SELL.

Dear [broker]:

As a business broker, you undoubtedly know that over two hundred thousand seller-financed business notes are created every year when businesses are bought and sold. But you may not appreciate the full extent of the opportunity for additional profits represented by that fact.

Poser Investments, Inc., is the nation's largest purchaser of business notes. Every week of the year we pay out referral fees to business brokers who, by referring clients to us, help the clients obtain a lump sum of cash for otherwise non-liquid business notes. By showing your clients how to obtain cash for their business, you not only earn our referral fees, you also increase your commissions by closing sales that hang in the balance over the issue of cash.

What distinguishes us from other companies is that we buy only business notes - with our own funds. Additionally, we are members of both the International Association of Business Brokers and the Business Opportunity Council of California. Not many companies in our profession can say that.

Enclosed is a booklet that should answer most of your questions about how working with us can land extra money in your bank account from our referral fees and help earn additional commissions from gratified business sellers who can now fully enjoy their retirement or finance the purchase of a new business through you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, 

Janice Gaylord, Associate
Poser Investments, Inc.

P.S. Please note that there is no cost for you or your client to call our office, and have me outline the available options for a specific business-note situation, or for me to answer any of your questions about how we might work together. So call me, Janice Gaylord, at 1-800-333-1527 today!

Copyright 1999 Marcia Yudkin.  All rights reserved.

Learn the 10 steps involved in creating a successful lead-generating letter campaign by mailing pieces like the one above, along with 10 sample letters and commentary.  Fill your appointment book with prospect meetings and reliably grow your sales pipeline.  Generate leads through letters.

If you'd like a free, no-obligation quote on a sales letter makeover, simply email your draft to Marcia Yudkin or fax it to her at 1-206-292-2534.

Want to learn to perform makeovers like this one - and get paid for your skill?  Check out the Marketing Protégé Program, a one-on-one tutorial that trains you to become a marketing consultant in 10 weeks.

Copyright 1999 Marcia Yudkin.  All rights reserved.