Sample Press Release Makeover
"After" Version
Review the "before"
version of this sample makeover of a news
release.
Below is my diagnosis of the
shortcomings in the "before" version of
Wristies' news release.
A good formula for
writing a headline that speaks to media
gatekeepers is to answer the question,
“What’s the benefit, and for whom?” This
kind of headline enables the editor or producer
to know at a glance why the product, service or
event is newsworthy and to assess its relevance
to their target audience.
The
“before” version of this release failed to
say who would need this product and why, so that
media people could easily toss it, thinking,
“Our readers aren’t ice fishermen.” In
addition, while Wristies have been in the market
for years, the product name doesn’t
communicate as much as an explanation of why
people need them. Since there were several kinds
of users targeted by the new model of Wristies,
including motorcyclists and people with
chronically cold hands, I recommended different
versions of this release specifically for those
users.
The
original version also wandered all over the
place, trying to cram in the complete history of
Wristies and details about other models of
Wristies. The revised release includes the story
of the product’s invention, since it’s so
unusual and interesting, but otherwise focuses
on the benefits of the product for the audience
at hand.
I
moved the price and sizes to the last paragraph,
where people whose business it is to read
releases would expect to find that information.
Finally,
whenever your publicity angle involves something
new, be sure to use the word "New" in
your headline. This immediately makes most media
gatekeepers interested.
Now
here is the revised version of the news release,
which I recommended be supplemented by versions
for motorcyclists, people with cold hands
because of medical conditions, and other top
populations targeted by the new shorter style of
Wristies.
The "After" Version
For:
Wristies, Inc., 650 Suffolk St., Lowell, MA
01854.
Contact: Susan Gregory, 978-937-9500 or sue@wristies.com.
For immediate release
Cold Hands Indoors? Wristies Has A Stylish
New Solution For Computer Workers And Others Who Do
Intricate Finger Work
Bedford, MA, March 6, 2003 – Nearly every
office has at least one person with chronically
cold hands who either types while wearing knit
gloves with the fingers crudely snipped off or
constantly complains about having stiff, frozen
hands. Wristies, an award-winning line of
fingerless gloves crafted from thin, soft
Polartec fleece, has just introduced a
fingerless glove that more fashionably warms the
hands of people who need to keep their dexterity
intact.
“Like
our regular Wristies, the new short Wristies
come in eight colors, so that someone can choose
the look they like for warming their hands,”
says Susan Gregory, president of Wristies.
“Compared with original Wristies, which are
designed to warm up the gap between a winter
jacket and mittens or gloves, Short Wristies are
three inches shorter so that they warm up cold
hands while leaving fingers free and staying
clear of sleeves and cuffs.”
Invented
ten years ago by then-10-year-old K-K Gregory,
Wristies have earned acclaim from the media,
lovers of the outdoors and those with arthritis
or lupus for their ability to keep hands warm
with comfort and attractiveness. In 2000, the
company received the Apex Award from Malden
Mills for the innovativeness of Wristies.
Short
Wristies retail for $9.50 and come in adult
sizes small and large. Each pair carries a tag
telling the story of their invention while young
K-K Gregory was building a snow fort with her
brother. Wristies are available at select retail
stores, catalogs, on the web at www.wristies.com
and by telephone at 978-937-9500.
Want to learn to perform
makeovers like this one - and get paid for your
skill? Check out the Marketing
Protégé Program, a one-on-one tutorial
that trains you to become a marketing consultant
in 10 weeks.
Copyright 2003 Marcia Yudkin.
All rights reserved.
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