Sample Self-Introduction Makeovers
"After" Versions

Review the "before" versions of self-introductions.

In rewriting these "30-second commercials," I made them more vivid and concise.  I avoided beginning with the company name, since studies show that people usually don't absorb a name when it's the first thing they hear.  I also eliminated extraneous details and improper usage (e.g., "impactful" is not a word).

To make your comparisons easier, I've included both the "before" and "after" versions below.

The "After" Versions

1. JumpStart Sales

BEFORE:

JumpStart Sales provides effective, affordable sales training to small business owners and corporate sales leaders. We specialize in short, impactful and inexpensive learning sessions with higher retention levels than traditional training methods.

AFTER:

Want more sales? We offer small businesses and larger companies techniques that produce more leads and close more deals. Trainees learn more, remember more, apply more. We're quick and affordable -- JumpStart Sales.

2. The Emerging Woman

BEFORE:

The Emerging Woman creates confidence with style for women making life transitions. Whether it's career change, relocation, divorce or reentry to the workforce, we offer guidance in image creation, fashion, self-esteem, beauty and individualized personal growth.

AFTER:

When you're changing careers, moving, divorcing or reentering the work force, you want to look and feel your best. The Emerging Woman helps you make a powerful first impression with a unique, appropriate and comfortable personal style that highlights and enhances your natural beauty. You'll glow inside and out!

3. Name One

BEFORE:

Do you need a name? Name One! is my company and creates names for new products. We make a difficult process easy and fun for you. Clients get 60 name candidates presented in a dynamic, fun one-hour meeting where everybody gets involved. At the end of the meeting you will be down to a short list of 5 to 10 names that everyone agrees on. Name One! has many satisfied repeat customers. We are the team that named Frito-Lay's Wow Potato Chip and SpringHill Suites for Marriott.

AFTER:

What's in a name? My company creates catchy names that resonate and suggest the image you want for a new product. Our team of naming experts gives you 60 candidates that you narrow down to the best choices in a fun, interactive session. We're the team that named Frito-Lay's Wow Potato Chip and SpringHill Suites for Marriott. Name One! That's us.

4. Mauimart.com

BEFORE:

Where do you shop in Boston? In Dallas? In San Francisco? Shop on Maui! Mauimart.com has everything from delicious snacks, to sportswear, to local arts and crafts, to household accessories and more than a few surprises. All of our products are made with Aloha spirit. Like our trade winds, you'll see the unique and fresh perspective which influences our designs. Mauimart.com is your headquarters for cool Hawaiian stuff.

AFTER:

When it's cold and dreary where you are, brighten your day by shopping in Maui - online. Mauimart.com offers Hawaiian crafts, tropical foods, colorful sportswear and more.  You'll feel refreshed just contemplating our exotic inventory. Relax and enjoy the Aloha spirit at Mauimart.com.

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Want to learn to perform makeovers like this one - and get paid for your skill?  Check out the Marketing Protégé Program, a one-on-one tutorial that trains you to become a marketing consultant in 10 weeks.

Copyright 2000 Marcia Yudkin.  All rights reserved.

Learn to Write No-Hype Copy Six-week self-study course teaches you to wow people into buying through the power of well-chosen words.  Includes challenging and varied assignments to practice on, with answers from the instructor and participants.  Replace incomprehensible jargon with reader-friendly, motivating content.  Copywriting course.